The past few days I’ve been feeling guilty about something.

At the end of this month I will be returning to school full-time. I’ve also been actively seeking employment, which basically means my upcoming schedule is going to be VERY busy. Truth be told, I’ve grown rather accustomed to my life at home with our kiddo. Thus far, the majority of my time over the past 8 months has been spent caring for Aidan and doing my best to keep up with our increasingly more messy and cluttered little tree-house. It’s been stressful at times, and although it pains me to admit, I think I may have been in a fog for most of it.

I was looking down at his grinning little face the other day and it hit me……..am I going to remember this? How much have I already forgotten? I’ve tried to write down the important points in a journal regularly and create little memorabilia craft projects, but I can’t seem to make myself do those things often enough for it to REALLY matter. In between playing with him, feeding him, changing his diaper,calming him down,entertaining him,putting him to bed and trying not to stress too much about housework and my impending doom….I feel like I haven’t really been paying attention.

For instance, every few days he does something new. This week he’s been clicking his tongue to the roof of his mouth. Last week it was a new high-pitched squeal. The week before that it was………wait………..was it the “mamama” thing or was he scratching on the side of his play yard? What about the week before?

And just like that……..those memories are gone. He just seems to be growing and changing at a rate which my memory can’t keep up with. Have I not been treasuring these moments?

Did I REALLY need to wash another dish or schedule another doctor’s appointment at the EXACT moment he wanted me to continue holding him the other day? I find myself getting frustrated sometimes, when I can’t heal his teething pains or I have to take the dog out without him because I just need to get it done and carry on with my day.

I work through his feeding schedule like I’m some sort of military leader. 9am-6oz bottle, 12pm- 4TBS of oatmeal mixed with 5oz of formula, 3pm- 8oz bottle, 4pm-nap, 6pm-fruits and veggies, 8pm-5oz bottle, then a bath and bed by 9. And of course that doesn’t include keeping track of all of his appointments, cleaning house and cooking meals for Clay and I. Typically we stay up until around 2am in order to squeeze in our adult time. Sleep……… wake up tired……do it all over again. And I’ve found myself both obsessed and exhausted by this routine.

It’s funny the way memory works. Some things you remember and some you don’t. I can tell you that there are MANY years within different increments of my life which are a complete blank to me. Am I SERIOUSLY allowing my son to fall into one of my memory black holes?

So, the last few days I’ve been trying to soak it all in and live in the moment. Although, being an over-thinker can make that challenging. He is of course, worth the challenge.

I REALLY don’t want to forget this….I don’t want to forget how he is right now, like I’m already beginning to forget how we felt when we brought him home 8 months ago or the little noises he made that melted our hearts. I can’t allow myself to forget how his little smile lights up any room lucky enough to surround him, or how he is a little daredevil who loves to sleep and be held, and how I feel like I always know what he needs because we have an unmatched connection.

I’m so sorry Aidan…..

I’m sorry momma has been stressed out. I need to work on being stressed about the right things when it’s necessary and to treasure you RIGHT NOW and how CRAZY I am about spending time with you! My time will be stretched much thinner soon, so I can no longer take our moments together for granted….

I know someday you’ll be older….and you won’t need me anymore like you do now. I’ve seen enough movies to know that commonly happens….

No more selfish “woe is me’ bull crap.

From now on, the fog is lifted.

I promise.

Thank you