Let me start off by saying…..I LOVE my kid. That 8 month old little tub-O-love has changed my life in so many ways. He’s amazing. Before I was a mother, I used to find myself almost annoyed by friends on Facebook and such, constantly posting pics of their little ones, speaking nothing but positive words as if they were too frightened to admit that there HAS to be a downside to all of their happiness. Now that I have joined the ranks of motherhood….I get it. Looking at his innocent little face, how could I ever have the nerve to say anything negative about his existence? After all, he had no say in the matter.

But lets get real, the negatives DO exist,  although we tend to be afraid to let them show for fear of judgement, I for one know for a fact that my life feels completely different than it did a year ago. It was roughly a year ago when Clay and I found out we were having a baby. I can remember how terrified I was. I can remember how supportive HE was and how he persuaded me that yes indeed, “we CAN DO THIS!”

As troubling as it is for me to admit it however, sometimes on nights like this one, when I glance up at my clock and reminisce about what I might have been doing before motherhood at midnight on a Saturday night, I do indeed miss the “me” I once was. It’s hard not to. The guilt about such thoughts is crippling. But I can’t help but think, that this sort of guilt wouldn’t even exist if I wasn’t in the slightest bit concerned about how people might react to such selfish venting. Am I not allowed such selfishness from time to time? Does that make me a bad person?

I’d like to think ALL mothers feel this way….fathers too I’m sure.

I miss the freedom I once had to hop in my car and just DRIVE. Windows down and radio blasting. Is that freedom forever gone? Must I sacrifice my dreams now completely? Mothers don’t seem to mention often enough that they feel these things. But I know they do. It’s OK ladies….I’ll be your voice….I’ll be your scapegoat.

My body…..isn’t what it used to be. My mind…..constantly concerned about another life over my own, as it should be, but can I not admit that I often miss thinking of myself first?

Unlike many women out there, I was lucky enough this time around to not experience any severe postpartum depression symptoms. I felt connected to Aidan the second he left my womb and every moment since. But I admit…although with hesitation due to the fear of judgement, I often miss “me”. And while I worry constantly about my ability to successfully create and raise an amazing human being, I also find myself worried about my ability to hang onto the “me” I once knew.

Of course after careful consideration…..I’m not so sure that the “me” I’m remembering was such a great person after all. Maybe, the best parts of my “me” can live on in him? Whose to know really. Only time. Time, and patience and acceptance of this…..disturbance. This AMAZING disturbance I once upon a time wished for. It’s official, THIS is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I know the sacrifice is worth it. It MUST be worth it. Or else what is it all for?

God….I really do love this kid though….

Thank you.